My head is full of endless random facts. I cant’ remember where I put my keys, but I do know that statistically, heart attacks are more likely to occur on a Monday. No one in my house wants to play Trivial Pursuit with me anymore. Everyone quit playing Trivia Crack with me online. I’m a fact freak and the world hates me for it. When the zombie apocalypse comes all those haters will be knocking at my door though. My random knowledge might just save you. I have proof. I once took a test put out by survivalist experts and scored 100%. Knowledge is power!!! I will survive. Without my keys, but I’ll still keep on!
To be honest, I didn’t buy into the legging fad very quickly. As a plus size girl, there’s a certain stigma attached to wearing leggings. Fat shamers love to point at big girls in leggings and spread their hate. While I’m not one to usually give a flying pig’s pickle about what people think, I did let this impact me. I wasn’t comfortable wearing them unless my shirt came down to mid-thigh. While I will preen over the fact that I have a phenomenal ass, my thighs need some help. I also greatly disliked the vagina frame shorter shirts could create when paired with the leggings. I felt on display. Paranoid I’d pop a camel toe at the barest of movement. So, I abstained. Leggings were not for me.
My leggings ban, however, was short-lived. One day as I window shopped online, I stumbled across a pair of amazing shark covered leggings on Modcloth.com. I love sharks. I have a shark tattoo, I watch shark week, I have shark inspired bucket list items. My shark obsession is real. Even though they were the dreaded all exposing leggings I couldn’t help myself. I needed my legs to be covered in all the sharks! I ordered them without thought. When they arrived, they were amazing. Not only did they bring me joy, but every time I wore them I received compliments. People could not help admire my shark bedecked legs because they were so awesome! Being a girl who loves to wear anything that is a tacky color fest of fun, I was hooked. Everywhere I turned there were leggings in amazing designs and colors. My world hand expanded and I needed to have them all.
Lularoe seemed to be the epitome of any legging aficionado’s obsession. Unfortunately, their largest size didn’t accommodate my bootylicious self. I was saved! At least that was one leggings pit I couldn’t fall into.
At least that was the case, until three weeks ago. Scrolling through my Facebook timeline I spotted a friend of mine wearing Ms. Piggy leggings. Ms. Piggy is pretty much my spirit animal so I needed a pair and STAT. I messaged my friend. “Where? I need them so bad? Help me?” She came back with the dreaded word:: Lularoe.
Bummer. No sweet Piggy leggings for me. But wait she sent more just as I had lost hope… “They just came out with Tall and Curvy 2, I have a feeling those will fit you. You should try” O-M-G. O-M-G the fabled Lularoe was now in my grasp. The other size had just barely been too small. These would surely be just right! I began to Google search like it was my job, trying to find a pair of Ms. Piggy TC2 leggings from Lularoe. (Now as a disclaimer, I have heard that there were some issues with the company a while back but it was a quality thing so I can live with that for the sake of being adorable.)
My search led me to find an overwhelming number of Facebook groups for Lularoe sales people. Great! I would have so many leggings to choose from with all these groups. I started joining them all like a crazy woman, hoping to snag a pair of these leggings. I was in for a very rude awakening. One can not just buy a pair of leggings from these groups. No, you see buying a pair of leggings is now the Hunger Games of clothing shopping.
These evil representatives go live on Facebook at random times to sell their items. You have to be ready at a moment notice if the notification pops up that they’re live. At that moment you drop everything you’re doing in life and jump into the fray. You hover over your keyboard waiting for the show to start. One by one they parade out the leggings in a method clearly designed to test your stamina. There’s no order to the event. You never know what size or print is going to come next. You just have to wait and see if the one you want flashes across the screen. If you’re lucky enough to have that shining moment where your leggings appear, you better move faster than you’ve ever moved in your entire life. You can’t just buy them. You have to be the first person to type sold in order to “win” them.
For three weeks I sat watching a parade of leggings march across my screen. Every time they would say TC2 my glazed over eyes would spark back to full focus. Scanning desperately for the pair I wanted. Every once in a while, a pair I needed would pop into view. These ones. These are amazing. These shall be mine.
No! They would never be mine! Every damn time I’d be too late. Some freak of nature who could clearly type at the speed of light would beat me. Again and again and again. At this point, I no longer even wanted the damn leggings. I just wanted to be the winner! I’d sat poised at the keyboard, adrenaline pumping into my system. My anxiety through the roof as I tried desperately to acquire the impossible. I would win if killed me.
Finally, I gave up. I couldn’t handle the stress. I’d resolved myself to just let it go. They were just leggings. Why was I putting myself through this just to get something that was overpriced and wouldn’t even keep me warm? I have a book to put out in a few months, I was wasting way too much time on legging feeds, when clearly I should be writing. Good. I’m glad that’s done.
But…..then they announced the Disney Villains collection…….. are you kidding me!!!!!! Maleficent! Ursula! Cruella! All the evil queens you love to hate. Bastards!!! How could I quit when the best had just come! Screw Piggy leggings I actually needed these ones. I dove back into the fray, more determined than ever before to get me some damn leggings.
I won!!!! Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!! I got Maleficent leggings. They fit amazing. They’re as soft as a baby butt. I love them so much. I don’t want to play leggings roulette anymore but I don’t know if I can stop. Someone help me! Maybe we need a Lularoe intervention club. We can help each other end this madness. Until then, if you see in TC2 Ursula up for grabs somewhere hook a sister up. Also still looking for that Ms. Piggy soo….
The first five chapters of my debut novel Stir Until Petrified are available on my website for you to devour.
This debut novel from author Theda Vallee introduces readers to the world of Violetta “Etta” Massoni, a Strega (Italian for witch) living in the sleepy seaside town of Palermo Bay. Healing from tragedy, Etta wants nothing to do with the magic she was born with, instead choosing to spend her life working in the family bakery. Supported by her overbearing family, Etta tries to get through one day at a time. Everything was going along as boring and dull as it could until a string of attacks leaves fifteen people trapped in their dreams. A secretive task force is sent to investigate, with Etta as their number one suspect. Swept up into the chaos against her will, Etta is forced to leap feet-first into the magical world she wanted nothing to do with. Etta won’t have to go it alone, though. Her family has never been able to mind their own business, and they are all coming along for the ride. Join Etta, her sister Nerina, cousin Gia, Auntie Sophie, and Nona, in a world of magic, myth, sass, and Sunday spaghetti!
This is a rollicking paranormal/romance/comedy/adventure not to be missed. Book 1 in this 5 book series is coming your way January 2018.
Click here to read the first five chapters now!
One of my favorite holiday’s is Halloween. Transforming myself into a fantasy creation for the evening is my idea of a freaking great time! I’ve been Medusa, a fortune teller, a mermaid, and a host of other creations over my lifetime. Last year I was Alice Insane In Wonderland which is one of my favorite costumes to date! While I believe that Halloween is the time of year to let your creativity run wild, I’m also a bit of a costume elitist. You can add your own twist and flare to the most basic idea and make it next level, however, there are costumes tropes that no matter how much you try they are just ewww.
While picking random household items as a costume is lame, it can cross over into the “now you’re just being a complete ass” territory. This year poop emoji and tampon costumes are prime examples of crossing that line. No one wants a piece of shit at their party. It’s an emoji for one, which is already cringe, but it’s also what comes out of your body as waste. It’s not funny and it belongs in the 3rd grade. And a tampon costume? Really? Look at me I’m that thing that women shove up their crotches to catch blood once a month. Isn’t that the best bro? Nope. Not even close to the realm of hilarious. Sorry dude bro try again next year.
I have three brothers, a husband, and two sons. Until today, I felt pretty confident in saying that men were not as obsessed with their penis’ as people would have you believe. I’m obviously wrong. There is clearly a high demand for anything that will show off the fact that you were born with something dangling between your legs.
I found pages of costumes that in some shape or form highlighted the fact that a dude has a dick. Why? What is it that drives whoever is buying these to think that people want to see a reference to their junk? Many of these costumes request sexual acts like blow me or rub me. So walking around with a fake sausage dick telling people to touch it is a good idea to you? People don’t like unsolicited dick pics, that should tell you that no one wants to see your junk real or otherwise unless they specifically ask for it. I feel in some strange way these dudes think they’re doing ladies a favor by showcasing their most valuable asset. I’m not into magic lamp cock so I think I’ll pass but your gaggle of friends who also won’t be getting a date tonight will think it’s hilarious.
For those of you without the human need to nibble, never fear! The brain responds the same to impossibly adorable animals. You know you’ve spotted a puppy or kitten at some point in time and wanted to sniff it and then fold its fluffy wonder into your mouth.
The good news is wanting to consume babies and fluffy flooffy little balls of animal joy is completely normal. The bad news is if you’re anything like me the urge is addictive. You can’t stop once you take the first bite. This probably explains why I have three cats and the need for a daily intervention to keep me from collecting more. I just want to eat them all.